I Can Cry if I Wanna, Right?

How did it come to this? I’ve always considered myself a fairly-put-together kind of gal-- analytical, rational, dependable, rather reserved but accepting, a straight-shooter, if ya know what I mean. Drama was definitely not my thing. Now, though, I’m one of those other girls. You know the ones. The ones that cry when the wind changes direction, the ones that make spur-of-the-minute decisions solely based on emotion, the ones, who…well…seem dependent on others.

Want proof? Just look at past posts and notice how many times I describe myself crying. I mean, geez, I’m a freaking faucet! And talk about making rash decisions…I’m seriously considering resigning from my job--my steady-income, my I’m-relatively-good-at-and-might-even-get-a-promotion-soon job. And that would mean that I would depend on P. a lot. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t totally put the bill-paying burden on his shoulders. I still want to make a contribution by getting some freelance gigs, but freelance checks aren’t always consistent, and “Honey, may I borrow twenty bucks” or worse “Honey, I can’t pay the electric bill this month” are scary sentences for me.

So how did I become such an emotional wreck? Well…let me see…First, it was the stress of getting Feiyan that got to me. The wait, the preparation, the feelings of inadequacies were the first crack in the emotional dam. Then, the concerns about bonding and being a good parent and the worries of something horrible happening to her (believe me, I can come up with some frightening scenarios at 2 am) made my emotional state even worse. But what really started the flood was daycare.

Yep, daycare began last week, and it was ROUGH! People said it would get better as the week progressed, but it didn’t. My departure was first met with tears, but by Friday, I had tears, screams, and clenching. Yes, the girl’s fingers literally had to be pried from my shirt. And then when I picked her up, there were more tears, but these tears weren’t shed because she didn’t want to go. Instead, they seemed to be a reaction to relief, like “I can’t believe you came back.” Seeing Feiyan like this everyday just about killed me. What she must be thinking when I leave I can only imagine. Logically, I know that she is experiencing typical separation anxiety, but I can’t help but to consider her history of being abandoned when she was six days old; then being placed in a foster home but removed from that family to go back to the orphanage; then being taken from her nanny at orphanage to be with us. Could this separation anxiety be intensified by her history of abandonment and removal? My heart is saying yes and, as a result, has me stymied with sadness. Now, if I could just get my head to do something about it.

Crap, where’s my damn tissue?

China Re-visited: Mother's Day (Daddy and Feiyan's day, too!)

The Night Before and the Morning Of
The evening before we had ventured out with another couple to have Peking duck for dinner, and it was a lovely dinner, I might add. When we returned to the hotel, P. and I agreed to do all of our packing in the morning even though we knew our bags had to be outside our door by 9 am, but we also knew we probably wouldn’t get much sleep. So…bright and early we’re up and packing, and, of course, I’m already stressing about what I should put in our carry-on luggage for Feiyan. Does she need a bottle? Does she need Cheerios? What about a change of clothes? A blanket? How many diapers should I bring? Oh, I’m going to be the absolute worst mother. And on and on. This is when Paul pulled my aside and said he had something for me. He preceded to pull a little bag out of his suitcase, and this is what it contained.

The bag also held a Mother’s Day card that had the most thoughtful note from P. And so, the blubbering began.

The Afternoon
The trip from Beijing to Nanchang was uneventful. Funny, but now that I think about it, I realize that P. and I didn’t talk much during the flight. Maybe it was because we were sharing a row with someone and couldn’t really have an in-depth conversation. I do know that I spent a lot of time mulling over the events that were about to take place and how my life was going to change because of them. I had many of the same thoughts that I’d had during the wait, but this time there was an immediacy to them. So much so, that my thoughts tended to focus on the actual hand-off. I wondered if I would recognize Feiyan. I tried to imagine how big she would be and what she would look like now. I wondered if she would cry. I wondered if P. would shed a tear. I told myself, “You will not cry!” I didn’t want to scare the poor girl. I thought about how I would address the caregiver who gave her to me. I practiced a few Chinese sentences I had learned, saying them over and over again in my head as if I were really having a conversation. But most of all, I imagined what it would feel like to hold her at last.

Early Evening
We finally arrived in Nanchang. Because our agency had two travel groups, 22 families total, staying in Nanchang, it took a while to get our luggage sorted and packed away on vans that would go to the hotel. Once the vans were packed, our group then boarded a bus that was going to take us straight to the Civil Affairs office. [I had heard that the other travel group was meeting their babies the next day, but that wasn’t the case. They, too, would meet their children on Sunday, but I’m not sure where they went when they left the airport because they arrived at the Civil Affairs office later than we did.] I have to admit I was a bit shaky stepping onto that bus. My life with P. as I knew it was coming to an end, and a new beginning was taking shape. I had only an inkling of what to expect, and this made me nervous, ecstatic, giddy, and sick to my stomach all at the same time. I don’t think I was the only one with these feelings. Our bus was absolutely quiet. Each time I caught the eye of another soon-to-be-parent, I’d receive the same anxious smile I knew I must be offering as well. Our guide first handed us updated reports for each of the babies. From these reports, we learned how they had progressed developmentally from their referral and what their daily schedules were like. Our report said that Feiyan was in the orphanage, which we thought was odd because her referral papers said she lived with a foster family. We later learned that she had left her foster family 7 weeks earlier to return to the orphanage and participate in a Half the Sky program. I’ll tell you more about that later. Next, our guide spoke to us about what would happen when we arrived at the Civil Affairs building. She said our names would be called, and we would be asked to step forward, look at our daughter, and tell the official that this was indeed the child we were referred. Our guide then went on to describe what the babies’ reactions might be. I listened, but I knew that I had already prepared myself for the worst. Sadly, I knew that my best day was going to be Feiyan’s worst day. I told myself over and over again not to be surprised if she came to me screaming and squirming and maybe even slapping. However, even though logically I knew that this would be a normal reaction and in no way would reflect what her feelings would be later, the selfish emotional me was hoping that this would not be the case. To be truthful, though, the selfish emotional me scared me. Was I setting an expectation that couldn’t be met? Would I be disappointed if she did cry? I had waited so long to have a baby. I wanted the moment when I met her to be…perfect, no…calm, not necessarily…extraordinary, yes! Would a crying Feiyan make for an extraordinary moment? I kept telling myself it would. Babies cry in delivery rooms everyday, so, basically, T. get over it if she cries! Does anyone else have the rambling conversations with themselves in their heads? Just wondering. After the description of what we might encounter and assurances that she was there to help, our guide then handed out little ladybug lapel pins that lit up. I’m not really in to the whole ladybug/adoption thing, but it was a nice gesture, and seeing the lights flicker around the bus turned my anxious smile into a slightly smirky one just for a minute. But it was a nice gesture!

At the Civil Affairs Office
The bus trip from the airport to the Civil Affairs office took about an hour. We pulled up and unloaded and walked into a dark lobby that was under construction. Here the details get a little fuzzy for me. I think I was more or less on autopilot, following the lead of P. and the others in front of us. We made our way to an elevator that emptied us into a dark foyer, but turning right we came to a well-lit paneled room with picture windows and wooden benches and tables pushed up against the walls and lots and lots of babies. Walking into the room felt like walking into a nursery classroom—Oh, look at the cute babies. But it didn’t take us long to think—Hey, one of these babies is ours. So I ask P. if he sees her; he asks me the same thing. We are scanning the room, looking at the babies and the caregivers, and they are looking at us. For some reason, our group tends to be focused on the left side of the room, so P., of course, goes right. And that’s when he sees her. Well, he sees a lady pointing at him and then pointing to a picture of him that she is holding. P. wonders how it is that this woman has a picture of him before it dawns on him that the lady is holding the photo album we sent to Feiyan. And now he sees HER. He calls to me, and I see HER. And she’s waving. She’s waving at us! And she’s walking. She’s walking! Oh, her hair has grown. She’s so tiny. Look, look!
At this time, our guide is yelling, yes, yelling because it is quite chaotic in this room, for the parents to sit. We try, but there really isn’t a place for everyone, so we squat instead. Our guide then repeats what she told us on the bus that one-by-one we would be called forward. The couple we went to dinner with the night before are called first. I sneak glances away from Feiyan to see that their daughter is beautiful. D., the husband, is taping. The baby is crying. A., the wife, has tears in her eyes, and, dang it, I do, too. I turn back to wave to Feiyan, and our names are called. I look at P.; he looks at me, and then we move.

The caregiver walks Feiyan toward me, holding her hand. An official asks if this was the child I was referred. I don’t even look at him. I’m staring at her the entire time. I nod my head yes. Our guide asks the same question. I glance at her and say yes. I’m bending down now because Feiyan is making her way closer. When the caregiver lets go, I put out my arms to receive her. Feiyan walks toward me. (I swear I heard Ahhh’s.) She stops, turns the corners of her mouth down and starts to whimper. I swoop in and pick her up. She is so light. I tell her hello in Chinese and ask her how she is. She stops whimpering and just stares at me. At the same time, I’m being handed the photo album and disposable camera we sent. Before stepping back, I turn quickly to her caregiver, bow my head, and say thank you in Chinese. No, I didn’t get to say any other of the Chinese sentences I had practiced earlier. Drat! She smiles. I then return to marvel at Feiyan and then beam at P.

I’m not sure where to go now. So I head out of the room, down the dark hallway. The other travel group is waiting there, and I hear several of them give their congratulations. We are then shuffled into another room where we take our family picture. Once that is done, we make our way to the hall again, and P. gets a chance to hold Feiyan. As he is holding her, the caregivers are leaving. Feiyan’s caregiver calls to her and waves as she gets on the elevator. Feiyan looks but surprisingly doesn’t cry. We wave good-bye for her.

I have no idea how long we were in the hallway, but, finally, we are called to get back on the bus. So we make our way back down to the lobby and back on the bus. Now, the bus is filled with noise. Babies are laughing and crying; parents are laughing and crying; toys are making silly noises; daddies are making silly noises. Feiyan, though, is just soaking it all it. She holds her stuffed rabbit and my hand, and P. and I just gaze at her in amazement.
That Evening
When we get to our hotel, P. leaves immediately with our guide and other parents to buy formula, rice cereal, and diapers. Feiyan and I pass the time eating Cheerios. First, I give them to her; then, she starts picking them up for herself, and then, she begins feeding them to me. Yes, I had a Sally Field moment of “She likes me. She really likes me!” How could I not? That’s pretty much all we did for about 40 minutes until P. returned. But, that was ok. She was happy with the arrangement, and I wanted to take it slowly with her.

When P. finally did return, he took over with the Cheerios, and I made my very first bottle. Thankfully, the hotel was kind enough to have carafe already filled with hot water, so the only trouble I had was trying to figure out how many scoops were needed since the directions were written in Chinese. Then, we got her undressed, changed her diaper, giggled at her “outie” belly-button, put her in the pajamas we brought—that were way too big, by the way—and gave her the bottle. She took it without any fuss, so we got a bit ambitious and took a few pictures.

Before she completely emptied the bottle, we put her in the crib. She went right down without as much as a peep, finished her bottle, and then she slept through the night—sort of. She did have a coughing spell, but once it was over she went straight back to sleep. We, on the other hand, slept little. We were just too, too, too happy.

My, what a day!

Good Blogger, Good!

I must say I was getting quite cranky with blogger. I would select and upload picture after picture, with assurances from blogger that I was "done" each time. But the stinker was foolin' me because no pictures would appear in my post But today, blogger decided to play nicely. So after a gazillion tries, finally here are some pictures.

Now you can see why she is gaining weight.

She eats and eats and eats and eats and eats...well, you get the idea.

Yum, spaghetti!
















Here we are attending my cousin's wedding where the wooden pews were nice for dancing, especially when one can make lots of noise with brand new shoes.

Oh, I forgot to say that she knows how to say "pretty."

Hmm...I wonder how she learned that word?













And yea, we now have clothes that fit her. Everything we took to China was huge! I wasn't a big fan of pink before, but I think hot pink suits her, especially hot pink and ruffles. How can a girl go wrong?

Where Oh Where Has My Little Blog Gone?

NOTE: Pictures forthcoming. Blogger is being a bit cantankerous this evening.

Wow! Has it really been almost two months since my last post? I guess it has, so let’s catch up.

• After a grueling 27-hour travel day, we returned home May 26. More on that later.
• I continued to take vacation that first week back. P. returned to work immediately, poor thing, but he and I are now able to take turns going into the office and working from home each week, which means Feiyan has not had to go into daycare yet.
• Speaking of Feiyan...she is doing wonderfully! It took about a week for her to adjust to her new surroundings and to her new sibling Max. But now, she has the run of the house, and she can’t stop giving Max kisses. I wish I could say that Max has adjusted nicely, but, well, let’s just say he is tolerating his new little sister. He allows the kisses, but he does steal Feiyan’s stuffed animals, thinking, of course, that they are his. Thankfully, Feiyan has enough stuffed animals that we can allow Max to have a few.
• Feiyan is definitely learning English. She understands more than she can say, but here are a few words that she is saying, or at least trying to say.
kitty-cat—this is her all time favorite word; whenever she is at a loss for something to say, “kitty-cat” is the word she relies on
meow—can’t have a kitty-cat without a meow
Baba
Mama
good girl
no, no, no—thankfully, she only says this to Max right now
bath
bubbles
duck
neigh, baa, moo, woof woof—as in “What does the horse/sheep/cow/doggie say?”
apple
bird
turtle
bottle
nose
mouth
eye
bellybutton
juice
poop—clever girl even informs us of when this event is happening
• And here are few things she can do on command.
closes the doors/drawers
retrieves specifically named items, such as animal puzzle pieces, certain toys, or clothes
sits on her bottom
points to her nose, mouth, feet, or bellybutton
picks up toys, coasters (she loves to throw these on the floor), books
waves bye-bye
gives hugs and kisses
helps getting dressed/undressed
throws the ball
dances—Ambulance Ltd. is her favorite band

What can I say, the girl is a genius!

And she’s growing! She gained 1lb. in the one month since she’s been home, which is good thing because she’s a bit underweight for her height. However, since she eats everything, we think she will catch up soon.

So there you have it—the latest! I promise to do a better job of writing. In fact, I’ve been thinking that since I was neglectful in keeping my blog going while we were in China, I should go back a bit and write about our experiences as we were getting to know Feiyan, so I’ll begin those entries next time. Really, I will! Oh, and I promise to return to reading the blogs I love, too!

Hello from Guangzhou

So here we are in hot and humid Guangzhou. Getting Feiyan accustomed to the weather here is a good thing, I guess, since she will face similar conditions when we return home, but my oh my is it steamy!

Feiyan, we believe, is officially over her cold, but, alas, P. and I are still suffering. With that being said, enough of writing and on with posting pictures--requires less thinking! Plus, that's what you want to see anyway, right? There will be time to ponder and write about all our experiences when we get home.

Here's Feiyan at her medical checkup on Tuesday. As you can see, she was a very good girl.

















And here she is enjoying, or maybe tolerating, her first ice cream. She's not very sure about cold food. She is, though, very sure about sugar!











P. and Feiyan in Yuexiu Park where we had a nice stroll and a nice lunch. Check out Feiyan's cute lime green shoes. What can I say, the girl loves shoes, and we've obliged by buying her four pairs.
















P. and I feel quite accomplished when we get this little girl to sleep. Boy, does she fight it, but when she sleeps, she's out and does not like being disturbed. P. made that mistake yesterday, and I'm sure he learned his lesson.

Finally, We Can Post

Has it really been five days? Sorry about that. Who would have known that a 18-pound, Old McDonald Has a Farm loving, watermelon slurper can take up some much of your time?

So here we are our last day in Nanchang. The weather was rainy the first couple of days, as you can see by the first picture, so most of our time was spent indoors, as you can see by the second picture. Feiyan is quite a good little walker and loves to play with her ball in the hallway. She also likes to play hide and seek. P or I will "pop out" from behind the corner, and she'll squeal and toddle toward us. The last two days, though, both Feiyan and I have been under the weather, but you can tell from the last picture that she is feeling much better today.

We are all still very tired. I did not prepare for how exhausted I would be, but each day brings us closer to readily recognizing Feiyan's needs. In fact, I would say that we are getting the hang of this parenting gig.

I'll try to post more from Guangzhou.

Happy Mother's Day to Me!

After our Forbidden City/Great Wall exercusion, our travel group learned that we would be receiving our babies on Sunday, Mother's Day instead of Monday as was originally planned. In other words, we would fly to Nanchang in the afternoon and drive immediately to the Civil Affairs office.

And that's exactly what we did. What an exciting, nervewracking, chaotic, absolutely wonderful, long day! I'll tell you more about it once I've had some time to catch up on sleep. Until then, though, please enjoy these pictures.